Have You Heard the One About...?

An English reviewer of a book of my commentaries wrote, 'Michael Henderson has a good memory for old jokes.' Praise or criticism, the comment told me the reviewer was my age. This column may confirm his verdict.

What with Clean Slate Campaigns and Y2K alarms, it's been a serious season. And there's seriousness in this issue of FAC, some contributed by me. A little lightening up would do no harm. So be warned, there is nothing serious about this column.

I speak a lot and am always looking for appropriate jokes. I don't like speakers telling their audience, 'I am going to start with a joke.' A little more subtlety is called for. I once spoke to a formally dressed audience in Virginia. No-one had warned the speaker that it was a black tie event. I was underdressed. So I was able to tell of the first dinner party we gave when we came to live in the US. Concerned that I might be overdressed, I went to a window where I could observe the guests arriving. I stood behind the curtain and turned out the lights. Sure enough, our first guest was open-necked. I dashed to my room and shed my coat and tie. The doorbell rang. I went to the door. There stood the wife. 'Where's Cyrus?' I said. 'Oh,' she replied, 'he saw through the window that you had a tie on and has gone to get one.'

There may be some question about how long you are to speak. On such occasions I remember that a certain economics professor had a reputation for long speeches. His wife said, 'After you have heard one of my husband's speeches you may not be any wiser but you're certainly a lot older.'

Or if there is a question about the size of the audience don't forget Churchill's response to one woman who gushed to him about the numbers of people who had come to hear him: 'It is quite flattering, but whenever I feel this way I always remember that if instead of making a political speech I was being hanged, the crowd would be twice as big.'

Sometimes a joke may work only if the audience has certain knowledge. For instance, the front page of The Gleaner in Kingston, Jamaica, once had a large photo of the Catholic archbishop and me enjoying a joke. The paper didn't tell their readers what the joke was. I am not sure they would all have got the point. It was about a British ambassador who had had a heavy day at the office and wanted to let down in the evening. He went to a party. When the band struck up he noticed a red dress across the hall. He went over. 'May I have the honour of this dance?' he asked. 'Certainly not,' came the swift reply. 'For three reasons. One, this is our national anthem. Two, you're drunk. Three, I am the papal nuncio.'

Sometimes American audiences, perhaps from my accent, make some connection in their mind with the BBC, which, as I point out to them, is not always regarded with the same esteem at home. There was a BBC documentary producer who wanted to film a confessional. When the last penitent had gone, he went and knelt down. 'Excuse me, father, I work with the BBC.' 'Thank you for coming to see me, my son,' said the priest. 'It must have taken courage to make a confession like that.'

If you are dealing with some theological subject, there's an adaptable joke about a woman, confused about moral issues, who went to see her bishop. When she came back, she was asked, 'Are you still confused?' 'Yes, but on a much higher level.'

Not all jokes are translatable. At one international conference a speaker was impressed with the attentiveness of many in his audience. He did not know that the Japanese interpreter was saying through the headphones, 'He is telling a joke. Please laugh.'

Never try the following story at an international conference. There was once a mixed-up fellow who went to see his psychiatrist. 'Doctor,' he said, 'sometimes I feel like a wigwam and sometimes like a tepee.' The psychiatrist gave his diagnosis: 'You are just too tense.'

By the way, if at any point in the future you are listening to one of my speeches, just imagine someone saying to you over headphones, 'He has told this joke before, but laugh anyway.'